A word on Breaking Bad AKA Ode to Hal

Malcolm in the Middle finished its glorious run about a year and a half ago. Since then I’ve been very worried about one character in particular. Not any of the kids, not Frankie Muniz (Agent Cody Banks 9?), not even the indomitable Lois, who seems to have found her feet on some show or other (that haven’t caught yet). No, the character – the actor - who held my utmost concern was Hal. Hal the child-in-a-man’s-body. Hal the mildly crazy. Hal the fanatic and fantastical dreamer; who was always going into Stage 2 of his current obsessions with the kind of fervour most of us haven’t felt since we were 9.

And what was going to happen to him after Malcolm made him homeless? He’d already expressed a great gratitude for this opportunity that the show had presented. He WAS the son of Christopher Lloyd, to all intents and puposes – we believed in him thoroughly from his hang-dog face to the pockets of his useless beige ‘Hal Jacket’ – which neither kept him warm nor looked remotely pleasant to wear. He summed up all the broken chances in life. He epitomised all the potential that surely lurks beneath our sorry existence, if only we’d throw open our obsessive streak long enough to let it out. And just like us, Hal got bored and changed his ideas before it could fully express itself. Or, even more frequently, one of the products of his over-productive loins would stuff the idea altogether.

The actor playing Hal pulled this fantastic together with subtlety and just the right amount of middle-class crazy. As I said, after Malcolm ended, I was suddenly aware that he might be bereft, out in the cold, without paycheck or hideous coat to put over his shoulders. I wondered what might just be his next calling, or if he’d ever find anything to show off his talents with quite so much variety and interest. Surely, he was going to get a bit-part on Heroes and that would be it forever?

Well, I was very happy to see this great actor appear in Little Miss Sunshine, playing against type as a smarmy executive-type in a nice jacket! Then, about 6 months later, I gradually became aware of a new show getting advertised on the FX channel on our Sky box.

I had to see the ad fairly frequently, inbetween episodes of Season 5 Wire, and then only when we missed a split second forwarding frantically through the inexplicably LOUD ads. But gradually it sank in. THAT was Hal! Hal had returned!

Or rather, Bryan Cranston. To me he will always, always, be Hal from Malcolm. But Bryan has popped up in what must be one of the most interesting new shows around. Similar to Weeds, I guess, although I haven’t seen that show. Anyway, Breaking Bad promises to be the ultimate ‘one to watch’. (And he won an Emmy!!!!!)

In Breaking Bad, Cranston plays grade school Chemistry teacher Walter White. During the slick, indirect timeline of the first few episodes, we learn that he has a beautiful (and smart) wife, a partially disabled son and a new baby on the way – and that he’s been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. His family are so hardup that he’s working part time at a desk at a crappy car wash – where the boss keeps making him go out to clean the cars too. Walter seems gutless and just as beige as the jacket that he appears to have 86’d from the Malcolm set, to set up THIS character. (ah, who cares, it works…

So he goes to chemo and does as he’s told, right? Wouldn’t you??

However, this is TV Land. In TV Land, characters with HIS sort of news wake up and do something unexpected and decisive about their lives – and Walter White sure as heck doesn’t disappoint. The way it’s handled, however, is nothing short of divine and soon you’ll start to care a heck of a lot about Walter, his family, and the former-student-cum-drug dealer with whom Walter strikes up an unlikely plan.

Yes, Walter is going to show the scary druggy underbelly of New Mexico how you REALLY cook up some high-quality meth. He has leet chemistry skills, and frankly it’s about time he put them to good use. The joy of the show is in taking us through the minute practicalities of deciding to do this – particularly when it turns out that COOKING the meth is the easiest part of the business. The show handles this in a smart, level-headed way, playing it straight whilst allowing the newly alive Walter to hit out at things that we’d all like to do, were we also dying of cancer and wishing for a way to support our beloved families. This keeps things flying along, but there’s also a real, grounded thoughtfulness that gives it a satisfyingly adult flavour.

Breaking Bad also makes great use of its New Mexico location, always suggesting something just nudging towards the spiritual, whilst Walter deals scientifically and logically (sort of) with his mortality. The look it achieves is warm and distinctive, seriously making me consider my holiday plans for next year!

And let’s not let the supporting cast go unsung. First praise has to go to former Deadwood (wife of Seth Bullock!) Anna Gunn, as Walt’s pregnant wife, Skylar. She mostly manages to doge the ‘judgemental wife’ trap – or alternatively the ‘loony woman’ one – which is often just waiting for women in TV Land. Instead she’s a very believable partner for reliable Walter, forming a supportive unit of his family. RJ Mitte is also very impressive as Walter White Jnr, who has cerebal palsey. He’s a refreshing million miles from the boring angst-ridden teens that are sprayed over popular drama. He tries to buy beer underage, of course, but the angst is slop-free.

Best of all is Walt’s reluctant business partner, Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul). At first a no-hope drop-out with half-assed connections in New Mexico’s underground, he remains on the seedy side of things even as Walt’s influence starts to make him – not a BETTER person – but certainly a slightly smarter one. Sort of. Slowly.

Always surprising and gratifyingly smart, Breaking Bad comes highly recommended. Just like good ol’ Walt, there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. Frankly the VERY GOOD news is that it’s coming back for a 2^nd series in March 2009 (thank you Wikipedia). The BAD news? There are only 7 instalments of season 1 (no thanks to the writer’s strike). However, not a single one is wasted!

The 2^nd Season has a lot to live up to, but I wouldn’t worry. Like cooking a perfect baggie of clear crystal, the best things come to those with a little more patience. And Breaking Bad is probably just as addictive. Maybe. It’s good is all I’m saying.

Meth is Bad, M’kay? I know these things, I’ve seen the Wire…!

Diary of the Dead, Dir George Romero (2007)

George Romero has been very lucky for the past 30-odd years. He’s managed to surf a wave of cultural change, improvements in special effects, and his own lauded reputation in both. As a result, we (zombie-movie-junkies) all looked forward to Land of the Dead like the other people anticipate the Superbowl or whatever. In 2004, Land of the Dead was well-made – at least visually. But even hardened Romero fans had to wonder – why were the zombies suddenly becoming the good guys? Why is everyone so upset about having a big safe tower to live in? And the political subtext was hardly hidden at all – ie. Not in the slightest.

I suppose we were just about able to accept all this, as we were happy that there was another Romero zombie movie and, heck, there was a LOT of great gore to keep us invested and IN the mood.

Images like this are actually fairly nice in Diary, but much too rare

Imagine how a fan like me felt, then, when they saw much-cherished Dead franchise become a flaccid mess with neither the wit nor the production values – or the bra(aaaaaaii)ns of your average ZoneHorror Channel production?

In 2007, George Romero presents a very down-to-earth version of the zombie story. The intention appeared to be to take it back to its cheap-as-hell roots and to integrate modern technology into the zombie myth. They’d be using the technology that we all take for granted today, feeding us the horror via the t’internet and on 24 hour news feeds.

Keepin' it realish. Utlising footage from Hurricane Katrina or something similar.

Basically, a bunch of film students and their creepy professor (a creepy no-name English actor) are filming a terrible Mummy movie in the woods. Word comes over the radio of weird events, and the dead returning to life across America. What follows is their attempts to return home whilst some berk is recording it all on his video camera. And who wouldn’t concentrate on filming their irritating friends instead of, say, keeping lookout when there are, most definitely, some undead folks that like to eat people swarming around?

Yay! Zombie clown!

So far, so Cloverfield – and Blair Witch – and…Cannibal Holocaust….all in the first person, all designed to terrify you with the sense that this could be happening HERE and NOW to regular people like you, and not just a bunch of actors sweating under heavy makeup.

What those films had in spades, however, is a sense of pacing, editing, and a genuine sense of menace. Well, perhaps not Cannibal Holocaust. But they certainly had pacing and a bunch of decent actors who pulled you in to the wobbly, scary-ass world of the video-reporter. Yes, EVEN Cannibal Holocaust. It is this crucial element that keeps the limitations of hand-held ‘authenticity’ above the smoother, higher quality video stock of most other flicks. The chills are already waiting in the medium, you just have to know how to use it. It’s damn hard to screw it up. Isn’t it?

Final Girl's zombie brother is stapled to the wall by English-bloke's arrow. So, useful but sad. Sniff.

I’d say so. Unfortunately, George Romero doesn’t appear to have even hired any frickin’ ACTORS for Diary of the Dead. Let’s get this straight from right now – the people we’re supposed to care about, at least a little, are NOT ‘real’ people. Not in the regular movie-sense of the word. They’re terrible – flat, lifeless, delivering every dumb line of dialogue with less conviction than a Rottweiler nibbling a green salad.

Nummy. Final Girl's Mummy likes a nibble...

Which leads us to the awful, awful script. It shouts that not only is Capitalism deeply evil, it seems like we’ve just discovered blogging, and the internet! This means we can share the MESSAGE that - the GOVERNMENTS lie to us! Only the internet can produce the truth! Trust the internet-and-blogs-and-uploads-an’-shit! YOU MUST TRUST THE INTERNET!!!!!!!

The hapless ‘can’t-act-for-toffee-cheesecake’ schmucks repeat this – the whole time. I’m not kidding – it gets brought up more than every five minutes. The heroine – such as she is – repeats this even more, muttering her oft-repeated thoughts on the matter with all the earnestness of Sarah Connor voice-overing either of the good Terminator movies. Except, she ultimately doesn't think we're worth saving. By the end she's developed Stockholm syndrome and thinks we're no better than the zombies. Which is not the 'message' or the 'subtext' of any previous Romero flicks (until Land, anyway).

Final Girl looks earnest and pensive and ready to wreck her boyfriend's video footage for our benefit.

All right, we get it; now can we have some goddamn mother-lovin’ ACTION? PURPOSE? Maybe something to hang this bloody great MESSAGE onto so’s folk’ll care a jot?

Samuel, the Amish guy. We like him cos he doesn't speak crap (or at all), and kills zombies with dynamite.

Sorry, but nope. There’s next to nothing in this script that makes you want to listen. This is bad on every level. They wrote lines heavily based around the overall MESSAGE and forgot to include things like decent dialogue, bearable characters and the odd interesting situation. It also criminally underused the few situations which it barely manages to contrive. Most of the time, you can’t even see what’s really happening. When you can – when they pull together a piece of gorey zombie head-exploding, or melting, or eyeballs popping, it’s such BAD that CGI it results in a non-plussed ‘hmmm’. Again, the acting is shockingly poor and their reactions to gross-outs are mostly disappointing.

Using a defibrillator to explode zombie eyes. It just seems...unecessary.

And it doesn't work....

There are zombies everywhere, but the cast casually take the air anyway...

The ‘characters’ wander listlessly from one random location to another, making REALLY stooped decisions and taking baseless actions as they go. For instance, they have to visit a hospital – where there is almost no one, at all, and no blood. Naturally they bump into a couple of the undead – and for no reason at all, the ‘heroine’ decides to try killing it with a defibrillator. Why? So they could have its eyes explode, joylessly, in a distinctly unreal effect.

There just didn’t seem to be any NEED for that scene, or most of the others. I don’t mind gore at all, especially not when it’s done right, with a little conviction and purpose. Dawn of the Dead (original particularly) had crappy special effects from today’s standards but at least their characters seemed to be trying to SURVIVE. They were interesting, had a sense of humour, and weren’t spouting about how they HAD TO GET THE MESSAGE OUT.

The bozos in Diary aren’t really heading for anything at all, they're just bumbling along slowly in their Scooby Van and ending up back pretty much where they started. By this time, you will be very, VERY bored. It’s sometimes fun to make fun of a bad horror movie, but this was just frickin’ tedious from start to finish.

Ok, killing the zombie with some acid is a cool, but very slow way to get rid of it....

Cloverfield – I hate to bring this up again – was a vastly better example of the everyman-camera style. Diary of the Dead is more than just a wandering, lifeless shell of Romero’s previous movies, but you finish the damn thing feeling that it got released as a favour to Romero instead of on its own merit. He makes an unnecessary snipe at the new breed of fast zombies right at the start – he might now realise that comparing this pile of dreck to the high-quality, teeth-fully-bared remake of Dawn of the Dead was something of a mistake.

Overall, if it looks like a bad Youtube video, and it sounds like a bad Youtube video, and it gets REVIEWS like a bad Youtube video, then guess what?

THIS should be ashamed to show itself on Youtube even IF George Romero wasn’t lurking somewhere behind it! I’m a fan of bad horror films, I really am, but this was criminally BORING.

I think a bullet to the head is in order, and we’ll seek our beloved slow zombies from another source. And I’ll work out my politics myself, too. On another note, f you’re going to insist on using the ‘realism’ angle, on top of using decent actors, perhaps try to make the zombie deaths a little less gleeful? A little less convenient and cartoony! It jars any sense of realism, coming over like a schoolkid who’s just learnt how to explode a carton of tomato juice to look a bit like blood. It thinks it’s far smarter and more daring than it is.

It’s also not very good.

Now I have a few final questions to throw in. These came off the top of my exposed brain just after I subjected myself to this endurance trial of a zombie movie:

Why has nobody in these films ever heard of zombies? And why do the ‘characters’ in Diary all get out of the camper van and sit in a field for twenty minutes when they know there are zombies around? Why couldn’t we see more of the Amish guy, or the organised black militia, or even the creepy National Guard fellas? Why was the Final Girl such a piss-poor film editor? Why did their British film school professor decide that a bow and arrow would be handy against zombies inside the narrow corridors of a HOUSE? Or useful at all? Why did no one carry a weapon longer than two seconds (I’m thinking a hammer or a bat, at least)! Why did no one barricade the gigantic house they end up in? Or even shut the bloody door and windows? Or the gates leading in?

You did lock the front door, right? Right?

Why didn’t the zombies EVER attack the camera guy? Why was no zombie battered symbolically to death with one of the HUGE cameras?

Oh, and opening the film with arch comments about the ‘cliché of the girl running from the slow monster and then tripping over a lot’, and then DOING exactly that right at the end, was only just funny, and done much BETTER, in Scream back in 1997. (Yes I feel ooooold). So, Romero - PAY. ATTENTION.

The girl from Texas bore an uncanny resemblance to Season 1 & 2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

Now I’m just hoping and praying that the TRUE hand-held movie version of a zombie plague will come when World War Z gets released in the next year or two. This book was everything else that Diary wasn’t, and it’ll be extremely interesting to see the results of its pleasingly inevitable conversion to film.

Zombies still rock. But Diary of the Dead REALLY did not.

PS: To bring up youtube again, by now somebody MUST have created a cool video combining all the zombie deaths in this movie. Why not seek out that, instead of wasting 2 hours of your life here? Just a suggestion.

Lipstick Jungle (2008) TV First Episode

New ladies in the City

AKA: Two Mirandas and half a Charlotte

It’s incredibly unfair to judge a show on its very first episode. However, watching this at legal speed rather than on dodgy downloads tends to mean that we’re taking ‘em as they come. In Lipstick Jungle’s case, it’s clear that there’s a lot more work to do, and it needs to get over its ‘tick all the boxes’ obsession as it markets itself as the shiny replacement to the majestic glossiness of Sex and the City.

In Lipstick Jungle, we’re following the hugely complicated love-lives of three New York heavy-hitters, who just happen to be women. They get introduced in a fairly efficient data-blast from an E! Entertainment-style show, which is profiling the '50 most influential ladies in Manhattan'. To my mind, they are best described in Sex and the City terms as - two Mirandas and half a Charlotte.

The "Charlotte" is Victory Ford. The youngest (or so it appears) leading lady with a once-successful fashion brand. Although she feels her current show is closest to being everything she’s ever wanted, the reviewers and the bosses are very unhappy. This sends her into the doldrums and she starts doing stupid thing – like dating Andrew McCarthy (clearly a beginner’s Mr Big character in all this). Luckily she has best mates who are ALSO on this fabulous list, who are more than willing to support her.

Victory Ford takes a phone call from 80s heartthrob, Andrew McCarthy,

whose character name in this I, er, can't remember...

There’s Brooke Shields as Wendy Healy, an easily-flustered Studio Executive who can’t keep her movie directors in line. She has even more trouble with a Photographer husband (the guy from lacklustre urban-wizard show) who resents like her extreme success and whinges like a little baby about having to help out at home and ‘clean up cat sick’, whilst she schmoozes or whatever. Frickin’ wuss. He’s also got the MOST irritating Brit accent ever captured on the small screen.

Then there’s, Nico Reilly (Kim Raver), who is best remembered as Audrey from 24. She plays a highly strung Magazine Publisher who gets affronted when she thinks the Brit boss Julian Sands (another 24 actor!) is listening to a younger male editor instead of her. Whilst she points out repeatedly that EVEN THOUGH she’s a woman, he SHOULD trust her, I kept on expecting Jack Bauer to charge through the glass doors and shoot Julian Sands repeatedly in the kneecap. Sadly, nothing like that happened. But here’s hoping. *Fingers crossed*

L-R: Wendy Healy and Nico Reilly take time out at their mate Victory Ford's fashion show

I think the worst thing about this opening episode is the way EVERY SINGLE THING is a MASSIVE FEMINIST ISSUE. Ahem. And it was handled in a way that loaded the speeches into the character’s mouths. The actresses clearly did their best here, but surely there must be subtler ways to get this across? And with all the wining and getting into huffs that they do, is it really possible that these are the three of the ‘Fifty Most Powerful Women in Manhattan’?

Perhaps this is where the escapism side comes into play, but there’s a fine line between escapist cashemere and Ugly Betty belly-button-fluff.

On the plus side, sex isn’t being treated like a ‘monster of the week’ as it was for the first 3 seasons on Sex and the City. It can't get quite as naughty as SATC could on HBO but y-gud does it try! My concern is that it’s going to be concentrating on nothing but soap-dish relationships instead. We’ll be fine as long as none of them run off to Paris with some Russian who seems to hate her. *Paging series 6.5 of Sex and the City, oh yes*

To continue this unavoidable comparison to Sex and the City, and despite my own whines, Lipstick Jungle does its darndest to fill the gap. Anyway, the good news is that it isn’t ABSOLUTELY cringeworthy. The actresses are pretty strong, and their chemistry will no doubt improve. There’s a real effort to try and make the women friends and supportive of one another, which is actually nice to see – I feel that this could well explain how it’s survived to a second season.

Love, life, and great shoes. You'd think they'd be really happy but, you'd be wrong.

Cos no one is ever rich and happy in a TV show. Oh, hell no....

While I doubt I’ll obsess over it, I think I’ll be trying a few more episodes and be extremely grateful that this isn’t YET ANOTHER Desperate Housewives/Ugly Betty dabble in the shallow-end of drama. This is more of a Champagne Bath for the brain – although we have yet to see if it’s going to Cava or Moet… but the bubbles sure are pretty.

Tropic Thunder (2008) Dir Ben Stiller

Tropic Thunder (2008) Dir Ben Stiller

War.

Is good for:

1 – Tony Stark (pre-epiphany)

2- Plastic Surgery Advances

3 – Movies with lots of muscle-bound blokes sweating, getting blown up, losing limbs, and Jake Gyllenhaal getting nekkid!

With these in mind, Ben Stiller directs and acts in an attempt to send-up all the pretentions of Gritty War Movies. Specifically the jungle-bound likes of Apocalypse Now, Platoon and the Deer Hunter. His other target is the soft, squishy underbelly of Hollywood itself.

To do this he gathers a stellar cast, who really breathe life into a whisp of a script. The tall tale revolve around a bunch of hapless has-been actors, who frustrate Damian Cockburn (Steve Coogan!), their brilliantly named director, so much that he sends them into the jungle to ‘do it for real’. What the director doesn’t realise is that there actually IS a threat in the jungle, and that the four actors might actually have to become soldiers to survive.

It seems hard to mess up this story! But first, are you ready for some more Downey Jnr love? He plays Kirk Lazarus, an Australian Oscar-winner with a bit of a temper **cough Russel Crowe cough** and Kirk has taken method acting to the next level, getting his skin pigmentation changed to play a black soldier. It goes without saying that it’s a joy to watch Robert Downey Jnr lift every scene he’s in, even if his awesome blaxploitation accent is a little hard to decipher.

Not racist. Honest. It's RDJ being very impressive, sending up pretentious method actors.

And he's bloody good!

Now, this plays out pretty much like most Ben Stiller movies. Let me qualify this - it's very Joseph Campbell. Only...not...

Ben Stiller/Hero is feeling impotent as a leader and a person

Ben Stiller/Hero gets a leadership challenge thrown at him

Ben Stiller/Hero fails miserably

Ben Stiller/Hero gets a break after truly believing in himself and other people

Ben Stiller/Hero triumphs & makes a new friend along the way, yay he's all right!

Ben Stiller/Hero may or may not actually get the girl. But he probably will.

All the while, Ben Stiller/Hero is surrounded by a variety of interesting actors. So, it's never a terrible movie, and you know what? He's still vastly superior to Adam-frickin-Sandler. Oh, and these days, he also includes mates from popular British comedy. So as long as the fabulous Steve Coogan has a happy career, I can't really bring myself to not like Ben Stiller in the slightest!

Now, back to business - Stiller plays Tugg Speedman, a lonely action-movie hero who’s pushed his sequels that bit too far. He plays Four Leaf in the film-within-the-film, and the Tugg character is hoping that this will land him the Oscar after he ‘went full retard’ (to quote Downey Jnr) in his previous film ‘Simple Jack’. Think a sort of ultimate Forrest Gump crossed with Paris Hilton and you’re almost there.

So, you have actors playing bad actors who are trying, badly, to play other people. There are lots of explosions and a great soundtrack, including the underrated Name of the Game by the Crystal Method (well, I was ecstatic anyway). It should work, but as a whole it doesn’t cohere all that well. It’s full of good moments, and is probably best viewed not on the big screen, but in a group or with people who will get drunk with you and giggle all the way through and make your own jokes as it goes.

Things that really don’t work in it are – Tom Cruise’s ugly studio-executive character who, for some UNIMAGINABLE reason, gets to dance during the freakin’ credits. For AGES. Now, Tom Cruise thinks he’s playing against-type here, but personally I CAN buy him as being a shouty asshole even WITHOUT makeup, so having to watch him for any great length of time lost Tropic Thunder some of the sweetness that it seemed to be aiming for near the end. He’s a bad character in this film – and Tropic Thunder could have benefitted from more of a Ghostbuster’s ending, where you just see all the characters chatting and laughing with each other and events being wrapped up.

But no, instead, 5 minutes of nasty gyrating by a gleefully grotesque Tom Cruise. If you see this flick, you’ll see what I mean. Not. As. Funny. As. It. Thinks.

Shudder.

What may have saved it overall is playing it that little-bit straighter. This is how Robert Downey Jnr hopefuly avoids accusations that his 'blacked up' character is possibly racist.

It’s no good taking the piss out of Hollywood if you don’t keep that squishy, self-conscious universe ‘deadly serious’. Can you read my mind yet? I’m talking about channelling the ultimate spoof, the king of spoofs, Spinal Tap. It almost manages this in the startling use of trailers right at the start – these brilliantly send-up the likes of Eddie Murphy’s crappy ‘fat suit’ movies, serious Actorly Oscar movies, and brainless action flicks. If it had steered just a little bit more towards this, instead ending in a big puddle of sloppy ham at the end, it would have been an instant classic. However, it's closest relative is probably Galaxy Quest - although it isn't quite as good as that, either.

But, it's still an enjoyable movie. It approaches things like a big, enthusiastic kid – which is how most of the cast come across. While I can’t give it a total rave review, I do recommend pulling up a few beers, an oversized packet of salty snacks, and enjoying the heck out of it. Especially Robert Downey Jnr!

The Dark Knight (2008) Dir Christopher Nolan, Cert 12a

SPOILERS BELOW!

Gotham's Knight. The only fictional character who truly OWNS this
'posing on top of a rooftop' shot

The Dark Knight (2008) Dir Christopher Nolan, Cert 12a

There were two big movies out at the end of July this year. One of them was Ultimate Feel Good flick ‘Mama Mia’, starring Meryl Streep in dungarees and looking far too goddamn happy. It opened to an ecstatic audience of people eager to be uplifted by its sunny disposition and girls dragged unwitting husbands and boyfriends along to enjoy its Summery and – that word again – UPLIFTING delights. Sorry, but Pierce Brosnan is clearly enjoying NOT BEING BOND just that little bit too much….

Then, just a couple of weeks later, the guys got their revenge. Because, finally, after a lot of hype and a lot of bad publicity, come The Dark Knight. And who was happy then?

Well, EVERYONE, apparently.

Let’s not quibble here. The Dark Knight – sequel to 2005’s supremely successful Batman Begins – has done INCREDIBLE business and wiped the floor with everyone from Spiderman to Titanic. Well, maybe NOT Titanic. But the newest Batman adventure, starring Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger, has skyrocketed beyond all expectations.

This makes ME happy, too.

I’ve seen this twice. Firstly because, if your local cinema, like mine, completely screws up the sound mix, you’ll be doomed to flinching when you should be cheering the explosions, and straining to hear when you want to sit back and enjoy hearing the convoluted plot unfold.

"Turn. It. Uuuuuuuuuup!" Sort the sound out, cinemas.
Because this film is deafening enough already!
I am not becoming an old fart, I promise....

My second attempt went a great deal better, but even on the first viewing it was obvious that ‘blockbusters’ like this weren’t going to turn up every day. This is about as good as it gets.

Whilst Batman Begins concentrated on the slow, often introspective journey of Bruce Wayne from whiny playboy to masked icon, The Dark Knight offers more and far better delights from Batman. But it’s even smarter than that – it also delivers a gut-squeezing action movie that just happens to involve Batman, Gotham City and, finally, the Joker.

The new Bat-bike, or BatPod, or whatever, is so. Goddamn. Cool.

Joker’s the kind of guy who’d get hold of the cast of Mama Mia, stick a knife in a yodelling Pierce Brosnan’s mouth and demand ‘Why So Serious?’

The Joker kindly simulates how it feels to watch TDK.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And we’d cheer him on and laugh – no matter how wrong it is. The smartest thing Nolan does with The Dark Knight is getting us to laugh WITH the Joker, despite (or because of) all the terrible things he does. Believe me – there are lots of things to choose from, but a moment with a pencil and a goon are a particular standout.

Nolan’s gives us a madman inspired by Batman to carry out worse and worse things, and this forms the connection between him and Batman forevermore. Batman will never kill, and his toughest rule ensures he and Gotham will never be rid of the purple-clad nightmare with a rotten smile.

Joker (Heath Ledger) in his new, terrifying form. Giving Batman a very bad day indeed.

This should have just been the Joker’s movie – and he owns it for the most part. Then he blows up Maggie Ghyllenhaal, playing a new incarnation of Batman Begins’ Rachel Dawes.

New Dawes. Sniff. Thank you, you were wonderful.

This is annoying for two reasons. Firstly, Maggie G successfully turns Rachel-pointless-Dawes into something other than a preachy goody-two-shoes. You can finally – FINALLY see what Bruce Wayne sees in her. She's fun, and tough, and interesting. She and Bruce even have would could LOOSELY be called - a tentative relationship - rather than it all hinging on a stapled on scene right at the end of the last film.

Joker wants the city to burn. Like this convenient Joker playing card. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrn!!!
(Cue pant-wettingly-scary laughter)

Bruce is having trouble because New Hope For Gotham City, Harvey Dent, is also rather fond of Rachel. Understandably. So, just as we LIKE her, this suddenly great character meets her end, and its even worse that it results in the creation of Two Face far too soon.

Having seen it all again, with more of the dialogue audible (always useful), it’s far clearer why they brought in Two Face at this point. Although it still doesn’t work. The Joker wants to test the best of Gotham City to prove that everyone is as sick, deep down, as he is. The Joker doesn’t want to be alone in his madness and sets Gotham burning to prove a point.

It's all...part of the plan...
Joker faces down Bats, the start of a beautifully effed-up relationship....

What he manages to do instead is illustrate that people as a group are basically good, and Batman, a symbol, is incorruptible. But he also proves that people you place on the highest pedestals may fall the hardest. Lifting heavily from Alan Moore’s infamous Killing Joke, Joker proves that sometimes all it takes is one bad day to push a man from saint to satanic.

So it’s all set up for a great third movie, right? Right?

In the words of annoying Lex Luthor in annoying Superman Returns Movie WRRRRRRRRRRRRRONG.

Harvey Dent promptly goes on a big depressing murder spree. Eventually, he kidnaps (the now named) Commissioner Gordon’s family (we don’t see batgirl Barbara Gordon’s face, booo) and threatens them all with death. Batman is royally pissed. They fight.

Then, having wisely not dispensed with the Joker in the previous act, they go on an KILL Harvey Dent/Two Face. Which is just frickin’ ridiculous. I’m a little concerned about who will be in the NEXT sequel, as we’re now down a fantastic Joker actor (RIP, much-missed Heath), and are now minus one of Batman’s most important and iconic villains. The OTHER flipside to the Batman is gone for good, at least in this incarnation of the franchise.

However, I have a little faith that they can pull of a decent third Bale-as-Batman story with, say, the Riddler – and perhaps even throw a little Catwoman into the mix. If Halle Berry gets the slightest sniff of that script, though…it’s doooomed.

So, overall, The Dark Knight was a resounding and highly exhausting success. Coming out of this, it was the best value and the most fun you can have from a very dark thriller. Yes, it IS Dark and it would certainly be a 15-rated movie were it not ‘based on a comic book’. Ahem. Folks, they are NOT kidding about darkness. Lots of knives, death, and blood and fire – and Two Face is not the cuddly Tommy Lee Jones version, he looks realistically horrific.

Cold light of day. Bruce Wayne reflects on the tragedies in Gotham.
Bruce's neighbours wonder when he started dressing up as Batman in his penthouse.

Do not miss this at the cinema, please – but you might want to bring earplugs or wait for the signed version if your cinema can’t figure out what to do with its BASS BUTTON *covers ears*.

However, this Burger King Commercial makes bugger-all sense and they know it.

BK, it worked for Spiderman 3, I understand you probably recycled to save the planet or something, but it’s dumb, ok? It’s stupid. Use a better ad agency. A smarter one.

Heh. Mooks.

Eagerly awaiting the DVD!!!!! And perhaps, perhaps, seeing this just the ONE more time before its replaced by Mama Mia 2 or something….

Oh, and there are one or two explosions. And these are just the ones from the trailer!

Batman: Gotham Knight (DVD) 2008

WARNING: SOME SPOILERS FOR STORY CONTENT



Batman at his best!

We all loved Batman Begins, right? There were a few things that didn’t entirely work, such as the sub-romance between Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) and his ‘childhood sweetheart™’ Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes being outacted by her nipples in a cold room) which got stapled onto the end. However, the majority of Begins is an enjoyable romp into the Dark Knight’s world, seeing him learn and grow, and ending with the tantalising promise of greater things to come. Namely, the imminent arrival of the Joker in the Christopher Nolan series of Batman movies. This was due in July’s Dark Knight.

This leads to the DVD that fits neatly between Begins and Dark Knight. Coming out one week before the new movie, we’re given six short stories that form one overall arc (more or less). Each story is created by a different animation team. Some pull off their jigsaw piece better than others, it has to be said.

Have I Got A Story For You (Studio 4°C, writer Josh Olsen), is based on a Batman story from the 1970s. A group of skater kids tell, in reverse chronological order, what happened when each of them encountered Batman during his battle against a villain known as ‘The Man in Black’ - presumably on the orders of Johnny Cash’s estate. As they fight across Gotham, each kid interprets their view of Batman differently – as a creature of shadow, a bat creature (Manbat!) and as robo-Batman (surely a must-have kids toy for Xmas’08?)! All these interpretations get rubbished when the ACTUAL Batman turns up and, rather embarrassingly, has to be rescued by a fourth kid wielding a deadly skateboard weapon.

Freaky Batman, in one kid's rather warped interpretation of the Dark Knight

While I can see what they were trying to do with this story, the animation didn’t make an awesome first impression. It’s a very flat style which wasn’t the best way to open this promising DVD. It was fun in places, but perhaps better suited to the recent The Batman animated series.

Crossfire (Production IG, writer Greg Rucka), is a little more like it. It centres around two cops in Sergent Gordon’s new unit, Detectives Allen and Ramirez. They’re assigned to take The Man In Black to Arkham after Batman dumps him with the cops. Unfortunately, the Asylum is in the Narrows which has been left in the grubby hands of the insane following the events of Begins. A gang of Russian mobsters guarantee that this is going to be a bumpy trip for all involved, and the detectives learn to trust the Dark Knight a little more.

Detectives Allen (left) and Ramirez (right)
This hapless duo get more backstory here than in the whole of the Dark Knight movie.
Ramirez gets an important role in Dark Knight all the same, so pay attetion, loyal Bat-viewers!

As this was produced by the Ghost in the Shell guys, I’m not surprised it looked vastly better than the previous section. There are some beautiful images, and it’s very slick. I liked the continuity with the last film and seeing what became of the Narrows. I wonder how Gotham’s mental state will stand up to the Isle of Lunatics on its doorstep? Overall this was a solid yet fairly predictable episode. But Batman is still a badass.

Now, part of the fun of the animated Batman was always the increased adaptability it could give the caped-crusader. He never has too many gadgets or enough backup plans – sort of the payoff for being the world’s most paranoid superhero. In the Field Test (Bee Train, writer Jordan Goldberg) section of this experimental series, Bruce goes Birdstyle in a very cute cape that hides a far TOO cute Bruce Wayne. He doesn’t appear so much the arrogant playboy as this week’s bishonen pinup.

Sorry Bruce, you just tooo dang pretty...Mr Lovely Hair

This aside, he has some nice scenes with a baddie who likes to golf – in a scene that strongly homages Goldfinger – and a neat new gadget that can deflect bullets away from the Batman. It’s a pity that, presumably to avoid messing with continuity in the movies, Bruce decides this is too risky after a mob punk gets clipped. He decides never to use this device again – which just seems a little easy. It’s like Angel deciding he won’t use the magic ring that gives him the power survive in direct sunlight, it’s making life difficult for the sake of it.

It still looks great – personally I just didn’t like the costume or character design (and what was with all the winking between Lucius and Bruce?) but I suppose this is unavoidable when made by the Noir studio.

The Birdstyle-Bat, presumably to cover his pretty face. Awww.

By this point I was deciding that none of these stories were quite strong enough. They weren’t entirely giving me what I wanted, which was lots of Batman fighting the bad guys and working out puzzles like he does in the TV cartoons. Or, more Christian Bale. Worst of all, I was starting to think that each section was just too short nad it would never be quite dark enough.

I was pleasantly surprised by Darkness Dwells (Madhouse, writer is Batman Begin’s David S Goyer!). Apart from having the best writer, it opens with some gorgeous shots of an uber-cool Gotham City. It also has a familiar and one of the oddest villains, the unbeatable Killer Croc AND the Scarecrow, too.

Heavily-stylised Killer Croc, working with the Scarecrow, freakin' out The Bat

It’s just a pity that Batman comes across as something of a smartarse (which, ok, he is, but still...), smugly telling Gordon ‘don’t even think about tracking my signal’ and reeling off a list of information that makes me think he has a Google-input direct to his Bat-brain. And why the hell is Batman chatting away to Gordon on his radio, anyway? So that he doesn’t do the ‘thinking aloud’ thing beloved of almost all comic book heroes? If the notoriously paranoid Bruce is happy to give an ‘untraceable’ radio to Gordon, why bother with the Bat Signal? Little things like this seemed unnecessary.

It’s also annoying that he refuses help offered to him right at the end. Despite having a very open injury he seems to prefer jumping into shoulder-deep sewer-water, to a helicopter lift out of hell. That can’t be hygienic, can it?

Well, apparently it doesn’t do him much good, because he’s staggering through the sewers with a nasty stomach wound this time, rather than the nick in the shoulder from the end of Darkness Dwells. Cue Working Through Pain (Studio 4°C, writer Brian Azarello) where Batman flashes back to a time he spent working in a military field hospital.

Apart from wondering when he squeezed THAT into his journey to find himself, this one also doesn’t match with the rest of the films or even the other parts of this DVD. Bruce gets taught how to ignore pain entirely – and they have some baddies break bricks and iron bars over his head. Apparently Wayne can now also withstand concussion and cracked skulls.

Anyway, I found the grungy facial-haired Bruce a little gross. He smartens up, though, and loses the awful shirt, too!

Inside the mind of a maniac: Bruce Wayne is held and questioned WHERE he got that awful shirt and what the hell he was thinking with the goatee/round glasses combo. YUECH.

His eagerness to beat seven shades of crap out of some jerks hassling his teacher results in an abrupt dismissal, and she warns him that she can’t help with the real pain he’s in.

Bruce Wayne demonstrates new immunity to being twatted with a piece of wood.

The flashback comes to an end. Bruce winds up at the bottom of a drain, where he stumbles on an arsenal of discarded weaponry. It’s at this point that Alfred, voiced by the awesomest Man From Uncle, David McCullum, turns up and asks Bruce to hold out his hand so that he can be lifted out of sewer-hell. Bruce, mesmerised by the guns he’s collected, embraces them and says “I can’t”.

Bruce Wayne’s fascinated horror with guns continues in the most seamless transition yet. In Deadshot (Madhouse, writer Alan Burnett) Bruce Wayne and his massively distracting massive chin wonders what to do with the massive box of guns he retrieved from his adventure in the sewers. He confesses to an incredibly-more-sarcastic-than-usual-Alfred that he can see the gun’s attraction to criminals.

A moment, please, to admire the man's chin. I mean...look at it. MASSIVE.
(Above) Bruce Wayne toys with the temptation of a gun. No subsitute for a Batarang, though.

Whilst Bruce is extolling the virtue of a well-honed weapon’s efficiency, it’s being demonstrated all-too well by the lethal villain, Deadshot.

Loopy Bat-hunter Deadshot and his hi-tech lasersight

Deadshot’s the kind of marksman who can hit a city official across a good mile or two whilst moving around in a ferris wheel. He has this eye-attachment, you see…makes him super-accurate.

Naturally you’d have to be a bloody good marksman to beat the Bat, (try aiming for the chin?) but there’s a very good fight scene on a train that tests both of them. Mind you, Bruce was probably kicking himself for ditching the bullet-repellor gadget three or four stories ago…

Batman fights the perfect marksman by, er, running directly into his line of fire. Down a moving train. In a big green tunnel. But that's why he's The Batman. Right?

The last episode had the best animation and lighting of the lot, and if I had to mark them in order, it would run, in order of preference:

Deadshot 8/10

In Darkness Dwells 7/10

Field Test (for the Goldfinger scenes) 7/10

Crossfire 7/10

Working Through Pain 7/10

Have I Got a Story For You 6/10

Overall, this was an interesting set of takes on Gotham. Almost no shots of Gotham looked exactly like Chicago, which is one advantage it has over the recent movies. Batman is all things to all people, and the only one really missing from this disc of delights is the crown prince himself – but we’ll have to go out of our living rooms to meet the Joker.

Ever-loyal Alfred patches up Bruce Wayne after another Hard Day's Dark-Knighting...

Gotham Knight may be a little too conceptual for some tastes. Frankly I’d prefer to watch all the cartoon series again – both Batman: The Animated Series in the 1990s, and The Batman which only ended very recently did sterling work in bringing Bruce Wayne to life. Gotham Knight is trying to do a very tricky thing; perched between two live action films, it can’t use the big Bat villains or make any particularly drastic changes that would knacker Chris Nolan’s continuity. This was an interesting experiment, but its main value is giving us a little more about two supporting Gotham detectives who get little to do in the Dark Knight, but get a story all to themselves here.

That makes this perfect for geeky completists, like me, or even those who appreciate good artwork. An experiment with mixed results, I wanted to like it more than I did, but am I going to knock more Batman on DVD? Not really. Also, this is perfect for people who ‘wouldn’t normally watch cartoons’.

Grrrr. Grrrr. I'm Batman! Grrrr. Awesome.

However, I will probably be buying up all the Animated Series at some point! And it whetted my appetite for the Dark Knight even more!

Get it while it’s cheap!

Dark Knight review to follow, delayed due to hot weather and family visits…

Thanks for reading!

Jus' hangin' out with da Bat.

Worst. Episode. Ever. Of Scrubs.

What's more annoying than a two-headed Turk/Carla monster?
See below!

Scrubs: “My Princess” Season 7 Episode 11
(or 9 if you prefer it to make sense, see below)

I’ve stuck with Scrubs for years. No matter what they did, up until the final season I’ve found most of the episodes consistently hilarious and enormously entertaining. No matter how wacky it got inside JD’s head, the hospital was generally a solid world where things mattered and events unfolded convincingly. Even the less inspiring Series Seven remained solidly amusing entertainment.

So, what the hell were they thinking?

I hear that this was intended as a Princess Bride homage. Well, they failed to pull it off. Forcing the Scrubs cast into a camper-than-the-Musical-Episode world fell completely on its ass. Didn’t they realise that putting everyone into fancy dress in a storybook village far beyond the hospital – and then having them talk in sub Oldé Anglais was going to make viewers want to tear their own eyes out? Or turn off. Haven’t they seen Star Trek: TNG’s Robin Hood episodes?

And let’s not forget the awful continuity, which meant that Doctor Kelso mysteriously returned as operating Chief of Medicine! Someone messed up or didn’t care about the series, here. Nothing about the script felt good. Especially not as a Series Finale!

The storyline, such as it is, revolved around Doctor Cox (John C McGinley) telling a bedtime story to his son, reshaping an awful day into a more awful storybook version. JD (Zach Braff) and Elliot (Sarah Chalke) were having trouble diagnosing her patient, and this translated to weak allegory to the village idiot (JD, natch) and the Princess (Elliot with a nasty dress) seeking the ‘golden ring’ so that they can save her. I can see why they thought it was a cute idea but it was just ugly. And I liked their musical episode. It feels like this one was done in their coffee break with the striking writers waiting menacingly just outside with axes and flaming torches.

It’s true that this season WAS a casualty of the writer’s strike, but clearly the NBC networks bosses are narked at the guys behind the show – and apparently it’s going to end up on the ABC network for its 8^th and final (really? Really final? Actually a final??) season. Whatever the reason, this is pretty shoddy treatment. Scrubs deserved a helluva lot better than this sopping-wet smelly dishrag of a last hurrah. Which took me four attempts to get all the way through.

Basically, someone needed to do a Mancheck on the guy behind the scheduling. Still Scrubs’ funniest moment EVER.

Sorry, Cox, but it’s still funny!

Frankly, I’m wishing I hadn’t seen My Princess. I’d have been happier leaving it with the episode before, where Kelso signed off and Cox assumed the hospital reigns. It’s a huge shame, and I’m not really anticipating great things from the move to ABC. New characters and stretching the formula don’t fill me with confidence. Still, it would be nice to be proved wrong.

After a fairly satisfying seventh season, I recommend that you skip this episode entirely – and enjoy all the previous seasons, which contained some of the best comedy I’ve ever watched.

So long, Scrubs, and thanks for everything!

*Hugs signed picture of the cast*

Scrubs, signing off. Thanks for the laughs, see you on ABC?